


I've Been Trying Too Hard

by sherlockssexysocks



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Baby, Butchered German Language, Comfort, F/M, Goddammit, Humor, Hurt, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mpreg, Romance, Sexy Times, You're a telepath, definitely some sad times, feelings of unrequited love, hells yes, little bitta kid!fic, maybe some sad times, probably some sad times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1765489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockssexysocks/pseuds/sherlockssexysocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thankfully the pupils don’t seem to notice that anything has changed.</p>
<p>Besides Alex who asks Erik three mornings after the end why he’s in such a foul temper.</p>
<p>(Charles doesn’t comment on the knife that flies past them all at the table. He just raises an eyebrow and carries on reading his newspaper.)</p>
<p>It’s Moira who finally asks if everything is alright.</p>
<p>And it’s Erik who tells her to keep her nose out of <em>their</em> business.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hooked ABSOLUTELY HOOKED on Cherik and X-Men at the moment...(new film and all that)
> 
> But yeah, I'm a little bit new to actually writing them so please, concrit is MORE than welcome.
> 
> And I hope you kids enjoy xo

Hot skin.

Familiar touches.

Blunt nails.

Slick mouths coming together, pushing against one another, desperate for more, always more. 

( And _God_ how Charles needs more. This, these heated moments of passion were never enough, not for him.)

_“Oh mein Gott, das ist es.”_

Hard hands press even harder until Charles thinks that he is seeing stars.

The thrusts become wilder, more erratic and their mingled breath comes quicker and harder as they near their goal.

“Oh, Erik.” Charles gasps, his back arching as Erik hits the spot over and over, relentlessly.

“Du bist wunderschoen.” Erik pants. “Like this, so beautiful.”

(Charles wishes it didn’t, but Erik’s words, those words meant more to him than he could ever hope to articulate.)

Soon, they are finished and Charles knows what is coming next.

It is what always happens; Erik will make some offhand comment about returning to his bed, Charles will force a smile and bid him goodnight and Erik will depart as swiftly as social niceties allow.

(Although, Charles is certain that social niceties do not apply to illegal, homosexual activities.)

And then he would sit there for hours, scotch or whiskey in hand, fighting the urge to enter Erik’s mind and see exactly went on in that magnificent head of his. 

It was how their routine had gone for months now.

(Eight months to be exact. Almost every night since they had met.)

So, naturally Charles is more than a little surprised when Erik closes his belt and returns to his seat near the fireplace.

At first he is at a loss at what to say so he chooses to dress himself, his head bent so that he may hide the blush on his cheeks.

(He never stays, why has he stayed?)

Once he has deemed himself decent, he follows Erik and takes his seat opposite the larger man, his own blue eyes regarding Erik’s curiously, if not hopefully.

“Would you like a drink?” Charles offers.

Erik glances at him before shaking his head.

Charles shrugs and stands once again to pour himself a rather large whiskey. He watches as the golden-brown liquid swirls around in the bottom of his crystal glass and wonders what he should possibly say. Usually the excruciating after-sex-awkwardness took place at the breakfast table surrounded by the children, a place where there was plenty of distracting conversations to keep their minds off each other.

“I’m going to bed.” Erik says suddenly.

Charles glances at him over his shoulder before offering him a weak half-smile.

“And leave me to drink alone? That’s the first sign of alcoholism.” He jokes.

But Erik is standing and he is looking at Charles with an unreadable expression on his face and Charles just wants to dip in, quickly and quietly dip into that mind and just _try_ and understand what the Hell is going on here.

“Don’t.” Erik growls softly, his eyes flashing dangerously and Charles shrugs innocently.

“I didn’t do anything, my friend.” He says with an easy smile.

“You were going to.” Erik points out as he makes his way to the door.

“Amazing. You don’t even need telepathy. You’re quite amazing.” Charles teases as he takes a sip of his drink, trying to steady himself against the wave of hurt he would undoubtedly feel when Erik left, as usual.

“Goodnight.”

The door clicks shut and Charles is alone.

(Alone with his thoughts and the thoughts that he wants to read but cannot).

 

.

 

Charles doesn’t expect the next morning to be awkward, seeing as the evening before had seemed to serve that purpose.

It is though, even surrounded by the chatter and laughter of the students Charles can feel the tension, the uneasiness and maybe, if he concentrates hard enough, a hint of distrust.

_Pain. So much pain. Flashes of a happier time, laughing faces, Erik, his eyes wide and loving as he talks animatedly to his mother. A slow aching, a burning, a feeling of not wanting to-_

“Professor? Are you okay?” Sean asks through a mouthful of chocolate flakes.

Charles refocuses on the group and smiles vaguely.

“Yes, I…”

_Stay out of my head._

Charles glances at Erik apologetically.

_You were thinking so loudly._

Erik snorts and stands swiftly, taking no notice of each of the students turning to look at him with interest. Raven raises an eyebrow at Charles as Erik storms out of the room, the cutlery drawer vibrating with energy.

_What was that?_

Charles rolls his eyes at Raven before continuing to pick at the oatmeal before him, only half-listening to the conversations around him, more interested in the mind that was now nothing but a hot ball of rage as Erik did laps on the running track outside.

 

.

 

Erik comes to him that night but he does not stay. He stands at the door, his arms folded across his chest, his eyes steely as he regards Charles unhappily.

“I’ve told you time and time again not to read my mind.”

Charles nods.

“I know but you were practically projecting those thoughts at me-”

“That is not an excuse, Charles!” Erik explodes.

Charles watches Erik coolly, choosing his words carefully.

“It is hard to control it sometimes, especially when someone is staring at you the way you were this morning.” He tries to explain.

Erik twists his face and takes a step back.

“You think I was staring at _you_ , mein Freund?” 

Charles feels the shift in the air between and quickly tries to turn Erik’s fury into something a little more light-hearted.

“Yes, rather lustingly.” He mocks with a wide, charming smile.

Erik bares his teeth at Charles, more a deadly flash of teeth than a smile. His eyes darken and Charles marvels at the sound of metal thrumming all around them.

“I do not lust after you.” He snarls with such venom that Charles is more than a little bit offended.

(He is devastated. He has always feared this, always suspected that Erik was in no way as infatuated with him as he was with Erik.)

Charles raises his hands and nods, trying to keep the hurt from his face.

“Alright my friend, it was just a joke-”

“You serve a purpose; that is it.” Erik continues on, quieter this time, with less anger. 

He’s avoiding eye-contact and when Charles attempts to dip into his mind he feels as if he thrown himself against metal barriers. He glances at Erik who was staring at the floor intently, his shoulder squared and chin held up defiantly. 

It must be true. Charles must be nothing more than a casual fuck. And he almost laughs at how upset he is because it’s ironic, isn’t it? All these years he has treated women this way, countless pretty faces crumpling with disappointment when he tells them that he isn’t looking for anything serious. And when Erik does it to him, he cannot understand the injustice of it all. 

(Because he’s not like the countless girl; he’s _better_ than them and he wants to prove that to Erik, make him understand.)

“We’re not…this isn’t…liebe.” Erik says so softly that Charles almost doesn’t hear him.

(More like tries not to hear him.)

“I know it’s not love, Erik.” Charles says with a shaky laugh and wobbly smile. “I never for a moment have ever entertained the possibility of this being anything more than sex.”

(Charles could _swear_ that Erik’s jaw clenched ever so slightly before the German looked back up at him, his face very carefully blank.)

“Good. Then let’s get on with it, shall we?” 

Charles very nearly asks Erik if he is crazy but then he removes that turtleneck sweater of his and Charles is silenced completely because Erik is topless and his body is a marvel.

“Uh…Yes. Let’s.”

 

.

 

“What do you think of casual sex?” Charles asks Raven one day and they sit outside on one of the old wrought iron seats, a punnet of strawberries between them.

Raven narrows her eyes and watches Charles for a moment.

“If you’ve been talking to Hank then-”

Charles startles at this and quickly shakes his head.

“No, no, I can assure you that I have not been discussing anything of that nature with Hank. I simply wish to hear your opinion on no-strings-attached sex.”

(Which, in hindsight, is rather a strange thing to suddenly ask ones sister out of the blue but Charles is _desperate_.)

Raven purses her lips and rolls one strawberry around in her hand thoughtfully before answering.

“I don’t know… I guess if both are on the same page then it’s okay I guess, but…I mean, someone always develops feelings in the end, don’t they?”

(The weaker one, yes.)

“I suppose.” Charles says with a non-committal shrug.

Raven laughs and bumps elbows with him, her eyes sparkling with mirth as she gazes up into his face.

“You have _so_ got the hots for someone. It’s Moira, isn’t it?”

Charles chuckles and shakes his head, getting to his feet and smiling down at her warmly.

“You are so wrong, it’s pitiful.” He jokes as he makes his way back to the mansion.

“It’s Erik then.” Raven calls out brazenly just as a certain Mr. Lehnsherr decides to round the corner straight onto their gravelly path.

Charles isn’t naïve enough to believe that Erik hasn’t heard them but he is hopeful enough to think that Erik won’t react to it.

“Wrong again.” Charles tosses over his shoulder as he walks past Erik.

Erik looks at him questioningly before turning his attention to Raven, who was now grinning fiercely. Charles feels his heart skip a beat and prays that Raven has enough loyalty not to reveal what it is they have just been talking about.

(She’s young, she thinks that they’re all friends, that Erik doesn’t secretly resent being here, that deep down he loves them all.)

“How do you feel about casual sex?” Raven asks with so much courage that Charles very nearly feels a burst of pride.

That quickly disappears however, as Erik throws him the filthiest of glares over his shoulder. Charles smiles at him nervously and shrugs.

_Kids_.

Erik snorts and turns back to Raven.

“That is none of your business. I can tell that you are open enough to it, however, if the number of times I’ve caught you sneaking out of McCoy’s room is something to go by.”

Raven looks positively scandalized and Erik looks pleased.

“Erik, that was uncalled for.” Charles sighs.

Erik smiles at him wolfishly and Charles shivers as he takes in all of those dangerous, white teeth.

“What are you doing walking around at that time of night?” Raven suddenly challenges. “Planning some sort of mutiny?”

Erik laughs loudly just as Charles thinks _shagging me_.

Erik stops laughing abruptly and Raven gasps loudly making Charles realize that he had been projecting that a little too loudly.

_ohshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit_.

“What? You two are…? _What?_ ” Raven gushes, her face twisted as she tries to make sense of it all. 

Erik looks as if he would kill Charles if he were given the chance. He turns on his heel (quite dramatically) and storms off, the metal railings nearby ripping themselves up out of the concrete and flying across the yard.

Charles slowly closes his eyes and leans against the wall behind him.

“I can’t believe you didn’t-”

“Please, Raven. Not now.”

 

.

 

Funnily enough, Erik doesn’t show that night.

(Except it’s not funny; not really. It makes Charles sick to his stomach.)

Thankfully the pupils don’t seem to notice that anything has changed.

Besides Alex who asks Erik three mornings after the end why he’s in such a foul temper.

(Charles doesn’t comment on the knife that flies past them all at the table. He just raises an eyebrow and carries on reading his newspaper.)

It’s Moira who finally asks if everything is alright.

And it’s Erik who tells her to keep her nose out of _their_ business.

Moira looks taken aback.

Charles just listens to Erik’s internal chant of _They can’t know. Bad enough to be a mutant but not this as well. They can’t know, they can’t know._

So Charles just shrugs and leans closer to Moira, making sure he makes plenty of eye-contact and offers her his most charming smile.

“You know what he’s like; the world’s biggest pain in the arse, if you’ll pardon the language.”

Moira laughs uncertainly because no, she doesn’t know what Erik is like. All she knows about Erik is that he is violent, unstable and hates humans. Those three points alone were enough to have him locked away for the rest of his life. 

“If you’re sure, the children are concerned.” She mutters quietly.

(And that makes Charles feel terrible.)

“We’re sure.” Erik insists more politely this time. “We’re just a little tired.”

“And I’ve been feeling a little under the weather.” Charles concedes.

(Nausea for three nights and three days; ever since Erik left him.)

Moira smiles at them both softly before gathering up her notes and nodding.

“I understand. What you two are doing, it’s amazing. You’ve given these children a purpose and no matter what anyone else thinks, I will always be indebted to you both.”

Charles can feel the mixture of emotions pushing themselves through Erik. He looks over his shoulder and blinks at him shyly when their eyes meet. Suddenly, Charles can taste something sweet on the tip of his tongue, something that almost pushes him into Erik’s arms. Erik swiftly looks away, however, and nods at Moira before leaving them be.

Moira exhales and pretends to wipe her forehead.

“He’s hard work.” She laughs.

“You have no idea.”

 

.

 

Raven hunts him down not long after his interrogation with Moira and decides that now would be the _perfect_ time to fight with him about not telling her about Erik.

(How could he tell her though? She was like a little sister to him and Erik had once vowed to kill anyone who knew their secret.)

Raven just snorts at this.

“He wouldn’t kill me. You know that. Not if he wanted to keep fucking you.”

Charles clears his throat uncomfortably at this and refuses to meet Ravens gaze.

“We’re not. Not anymore.”

(So watch out.)

Raven peers at him quizzically before raising an eyebrow.

“Because of…?”

“Yes, because of what happened the other day.” Charles snaps impatiently, his cheeks flushing terribly.

Raven’s eyes widen a bit before she steps closer and hugs Charles tightly.

“Is he that afraid?” She whispers.

Charles ignores yet another roll of nausea and nods.

“It would appear so.”

 

.

 

Seven days of nausea later and Charles finally pukes

And it is spectacular. 

It happens right at the breakfast table for all to see and Charles wonders if people have ever died of sheer mortification before.

To his surprise, it is Erik that helps him to his feet and orders that the children clean it up.

“What? No way!” Alex declares jumping from his feet and as far away from the vomit covered table as he possibly can.

“It’s alright; I’ll sort it in a minute.” Charles says weakly, bracing himself for another round as his stomach turns horrifically.

Erik tightens his grip around his waist and turns to glower at Raven.

“He’s your brother; clean it up.”

Raven visibly blanches and shakes her head slowly.

“No, please, anything but that.” She begs and Charles wonders if she realizes how ridiculous she sounds.

“I’ll do it.” Sean says with a world weary sigh and Charles cannot help but smile at him.

“Thank you.”

Sean shrugs glumly and begins moving away the ruined bowls with baited breath. Hank stands up and goes to help him when Erik grabs him roughly by the shoulder.

“You come with us.” He orders, pushing Hank out through the door.

Hank looks over his shoulder helplessly at Raven who mouths something reassuring.

_Hank, you’ll be fine_ Charles tell him bemusedly.

Hank looks back at him again and nods his thanks. 

They make their way to Charles’ bedroom without the professor vomiting again. However, once he steps inside the room, he bolts across the wooden floors and throws himself into the bathroom with haste. Erik doesn’t follow him inside but he watches him from the bathroom door, his brow slightly furrowed.

“I’m fine.” Charles gasps. “It’s probably food poisoning.”

Erik nods.

“I know.”

Hank raises his eyebrows.

“Then why am I here?”

Erik turns around.

“Because you need to tell him what he has to do to make himself better.” 

Hank looks as though he wants to argue but wisely chooses to remain silent. Charles props himself up on the rim of the toilet and smiles softly at Hank.

“Water and plenty of rest? Should be gone in 24 hours?” He asks with a smirk.

Hank nods gratefully.

“Got it in one, Professor.”

Charles turns his attention to Erik and grins a blinding smile, despite the vomit splashed on his chin.

“See? More than capable of taking care of myself.”

(Always has been, always will be.)

Erik studies him once more before shaking his head and turning to leave.

_Don’t go._

The thought escapes before Charles has a chance to realize what he is even saying.

(What he is begging for.)

Erik slows only for a moment before continuing on his way to the door.

“Stay out of my head.” He says almost casually as he closes the heavy oak door behind him.

Hank glances at Charles anxiously, his eyebrows raised, preparing himself to ask some sort of question that Charles silently tells him not to ask.

Hanks face falls a little as he puts two and two together.

“Fluids and bed rest.” He reiterates as he too opens the door and leaves.

 

.

 

The vomiting doesn’t stop.

Three days later and Charles is still retching over the side of a toilet bowl whilst the children watch on with anxious expressions.

“It doesn’t make sense.” Hank exclaims as that third horrible day was nearing to a close. “Your appetite is strong, stronger than ever even! You’re drinking plenty of fluids, you’re resting, you’re not dehydrated or-”

“Ok, we get it; it’s a medical mystery.” Alex drawls impatiently from his place on Charles’ bed, snuggled beneath the blankets beside Sean, much to his disdain.

Erik is standing in the corner of the room, his gaze hot and unwavering on Charles’ back and Charles is grateful that he doesn’t need to look at him. Raven strokes his sweat-soaked hair and pulls a face.

“You look pretty good if that’s any kind of consolation.”

“Glowing, some might say.” Sean pipes up with a wink.

Charles smiles at them both and is about to thank them when Erik comes out of his shadowy corner, his face a perfect mask of neutrality.

“Hank, run some blood tests, see if there are any abnormalities. If there _is_ something more serious going on then we need to contact Moira and see what kind of medical help we can seek.” He orders.

_Careful, Erik. They might think you care._

Erik smirks at him.

_Tue ich._

Charles raises an eyebrow and shakes his head.

_You don’t care._

Erik makes a soft snorting sound.

_I do care about you, Charles. Stop being dramatic._

Charles half smiles and nods at Erik.

“Alright, Hank, you heard Doctor Lehnsherr. Let’s do some blood tests.”

 

.

 

Charles is a little less than pleased when Hank awakes him at six o’clock the next morning, his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed.

“I need you to come back down to the lab. I need to do another set of tests.” He declares breathlessly.

Charles blinks at him blearily and groans.

“Can it not wait for another couple of hours? It’s hardly an emergency Hank.”

“The hCG levels in your blood were through the roof. HCG is-”

“Human chorionic gonadotropin, yes, I know.” Charles sighs impatiently. “I also know that it is only released once an egg has been fertilized so sorry if I do not seem to share the same kind of urgency as you, what with being male and all that.”

Hank sucks in his bottom lip and watches Charles carefully, clearly holding his breath.

“You are a mutant. If one cell can mutate into something abnormal, why can’t the others?” He exhales.

Charles frowns slowly and looks at Hank with eyes that are probably too wide and too blue for his liking.

“B-but a pregnant male? That’s ridiculous!” 

Hank shrugs.

“Maybe, but let me check and see.”

 

.

 

The results at seven a.m. indeed indicate that Charles is more than likely pregnant.

As do the results at eight thirty a.m.

When the results at ten a.m. come in Charles shuts down and blocks out all other mental activity, focusing only on himself. He listens to the sound of his own beating heart, of his steady, even breathing.

_Hot hands roaming his body, wet lips mouthing words against his back, the sound of skin against skin, of…_

At eleven, Charles stands and shakes Hanks hand.

“Thank you. Please keep this to yourself, for a while at least.”

Hank nods eagerly.

“Of course, of course. You can trust me, Professor.”

Charles smiles at him sweetly and turns to make his way up the stairs. 

“…legen Sie Ihre Waffe. That is ‘put down your weapon’ in German….”

He rolls his eyes as he listens to Erik teach the children a number of ‘useful’ phrases.

(Useful really was too loose a term for what Erik was trying to teach them.

He rounds the corner and steps into the makeshift classroom, not missing the warm smiles and thoughts they project his way.

“Maybe you could teach them some non-threatening greetings first.” Charles teases, a twinkle in his eye.

Erik half-smiles and gestures towards the blackboard where ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ were translated. Charles feigns interest and makes his away across the room, stopping at Erik’s side.

“Could I have a quick word?” He asks quietly.

He feels rather than sees the anxiety that crosses the great mind before him. 

“Write out the sentences I just called out.” Erik commands as they make their way to the door.

Sean groans loudly.

“Seriously? How is this gonna help us win a war?”

“It is not all about the war, Sean.” Charles calls over his shoulder. “You’re education is just as important.”

Erik snorts behind him and closes the door once they have stepped outside.

“What is it?” he asks, leaning against the wall, looking tall and dark and impossibly sexy.

(And Charles is frustrated because _that_ was his. Until he showed his true emotions.)

“Hank ran the blood tests.” Charles begins slowly.

Erik straightens up and steps closer until he is very much inside Charles’ personal space. Charles can feel the concern and anxiety and _fear_ pouring from every inch of him. His eyes are wide and scared and Charles just wants to reach up and touch him and kiss him until-

“And? Are you alright?”

Charles exhales a soft laugh, shaking himself from his thoughts and looks up at the taller man with a mixture of anxiety and dread.

“Charles!” Erik presses, placing a hand on his shoulder and shaking him.

“It would appear that…I am pregnant.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Thank you all so much for the kudos and the comments! <3

To his credit, Erik doesn’t doubt Charles.

He just regards the professor blankly before nodding slowly, the spark in his eyes somewhat dulled as he locks eyes with him.

On the outside he appears calm, but on the inside Charles cannot help but hear the panicked thoughts rushing through his mind.

_A father. I’m going to be a father. To another man’s child. The child will be a mutant and will have two fathers and-_

“There is no evidence to suggest that the child will automatically be born a mutant.” Charles says calmly, pushing away Erik’s negativity and anxiety as best he can.

Erik’s eyes flash dangerously and he steps closer, too close, until they are standing there, chest to chest.

“I have told you time and time again to stay out of my mind.” He snarls, his breath hot against Charles’ cheeks.

“And I have asked you time and time again to just _try_ and understand what it is like to be a telepath.” Charles demands quietly, not quite looking Erik in the eye. “Sometimes, it is completely unintentional.”

“It happens too often for it to be anything but intentional.” Erik snaps.

(That’s true.)

Charles exhales slowly and twists his mouth glumly.

“Sometimes I just need to check, just to make sure that you don’t hate me.” He admits.

Erik blinks in surprise and makes a frustrated sound.

“Gott verdammt Sie, Charles.” Erik growls and Charles thinks that he is going to kiss him.

Their eyes meet and once again, Charles can feel that sweet taste on the tip of his tongue, a warm feeling washing over him like warm honey. They are chest to chest, their breaths mingling, their heads slowly tilting. Erik wets his lips nervously and Charles almost smiles when the door of the classroom bursts open.

Erik spins away so suddenly that he almost knocks Charles over.

“ _What?_ ” Erik roars at a poor, unsuspecting Sean.

“I-I need to use the bathroom. Please.” He whispers meekly causing Alex to cackle and Raven giggle mercilessly from inside the classroom.

“Erik.” Charles says warningly, stepping forward. 

Erik shoots him a glare before storming back into the classroom, barking orders at the students. Sean looks at Charles in shock, his eyes wide and his mouth open.

“I didn’t do anything!” He declares defensively.

Charles smiles kindly and wraps an arm around Sean’s narrow shoulders.

“Do not worry about it. You know what he’s like.”

_Terrifying._

Charles glances at Sean as they walk along the corridor, feeling terribly uncomfortable that one of the students would feel that way.

“He doesn’t mean to be.” Charles says softly as they round the corner.

Sean chews his bottom lip nervously before nodding.

“I know. But we’ve all… we’ve all had our own struggles and…”

Sean trails off and shakes his head.

“Forget it. I don’t know what I’m talking about.” He sighs miserably.

Charles places a hand on the young man’s shoulder and smiles at him warmly.

“I understand completely what it is you’re trying to say. And I do not want you to think that I am defending Erik but each of us has our own struggles and each of us deal with them in different ways. Unfortunately for Erik, anger seems to be his way of dealing with his struggles.”

(So much _anger_.)

Sean just smiles and steps away from Charles’ touch.

“Bathroom.” He says as a way of explanation and runs along the remainder of the corridor towards the rest rooms.

 

.

 

Erik comes to him that night.

(The first in nearly three weeks, not that Charles was counting.)

“Es tut mir leid.” He murmurs as he steps into the room. “For everything. But I’m especially sorry for how I have treated you the last two weeks.”

(Three. But Charles doesn’t bother to correct him.)

Charles puts down his book and looks at Erik expectantly. 

“We need to talk.” 

Erik nods, his head hanging like a shamed puppy.

“I know. But first let me say something. _Uninterrupted_ whether it be intentional or not.”

And there is a hint of humour dancing in those eyes that gives Charles hope.

“Go on.” He says with a smile and the wave of his hand.

Erik sits down opposite him and places his head in his hands, thinking so hard that Charles can just faintly make out the buzz of thoughts, words and ideas. He waits patiently and when Erik finally looks up, his eyes are shining too brightly for both of their liking.

“I…this baby… _our_ baby…how do we know, for certain, that bringing them into this world is…is the best option?” He croaks, his voice gravelly and his lips quivering slightly.

Charles feels a surge of anger rip through his own body unlike anything that he has ever experienced before. He chews down on his bottom lip violently and continues watching Erik with hard eyes.

Erik swallows loudly and looks at Charles helplessly.

“We both know what it is like to feel unwanted in this world. You by your own mother. I by an entire nation. And after this war, things are only going to be worse for mutants, you _know_ that-”

“I am not a coward and neither shall my child be.” Charles says stiffly.

Erik blinks wetly and scrunches his nose a little, his entire body language changing from defeated to defiant.

“Are you implying that I am?”

Charles is silent for a moment to keep his temper at bay, his body shaking with a fury he has never known before.

“You are choosing the coward’s way out.” He finally bites out, his fists clenched.

Erik raises his eyebrows and laughs harshly, all of his shark teeth showing.

“The coward’s way out? I am not the one who has sided with the humans, in the deluded hope that they will then accept me for who I am.” He accuses. “I am not the one happy to work for them like a scurrying little lab rat-”

“I don’t do it for them!” Charles suddenly erupts, on his feet and panting. “I do it for _us_ , for our own future. I am trying to secure us peace, Erik, so that the likes of our unborn child can be given a _chance_ in this world-”

“If we did things my way our child would be ruling this world!” Erik roars, spittle flying everywhere. “Our child would be given more than a pitiful chance, Charles-”

“We cannot rule the world, you fool!” Charles yells, reaching out and shoving Erik as hard as he can. “We need to be able to co-inhabit this world with the humans alongside us as our _allies_ , not our slaves.”

Erik grabs his wrists in his hands and pins them by Charles’ sides, his expression stony.

“You will never understand what it was like in those camps. You lived here, in your cushy mansion surrounded by servants and maids to wait on you hand and foot; you will never know what it is like to be all alone in this world, to watch others starving around you, the desperation, the fear. You have never experienced that. You haven’t seen what they do to men like us.” He hisses, lowering his face closer to Charles’ in a bid to intimidate him.

“Like us how? Mutants? Or homosexuals?” Charles manages to spit with as much venom as he can master.

Erik smiles humourlessly. 

“Do you want to see, Charles? Do you want to try and understand what it is that I am afraid of?”

(And Charles doesn’t like the look in those eyes, dangerous and spiteful and hating.)

“No.” Charles says quietly, struggling against Erik’s grip.

Erik leans closer and presses his mouth against Charles’.

“I want you to see.” He breathes against his mouth, his eyes still open and staring. “I want you to see why I am a coward.”

He pushes their mouths together and Charles can taste it; fear, terror, anxiety, hurt, acute loneliness. He tries to pull away but Erik’s grip is firm and unrelenting.

_It’s cold. There is snow falling all around them. Charles feels numb. He is frozen to the bone. There are soldier standing before him, roaring at him, poking him in the chest with the butts of their rifles. Charles keeps shaking his head, the taste of blood in his mouth, his stomach clenching tightly, his knees feeling as if they were about to buckle. Another guard from down the line grabs a young man and pulls him out before them all._ “See this?” _He yells._ “This is what happens when you are a disgusting faggot!” _Charles’ heart skips a beat as the young man begins to scream, apologizing profusely. Two guards hold the boy to the ground whilst the other shoves his pistol in the man’s mouth, ordering him to suck it. The man whimpers and pleads around a mouthful of metal and Charles entire body begins to shake when suddenly the pistol flies out of the man’s mouth and hits the guard around the side of his head instead. The two other guards look in Charles’ direction but continue holding the victim down. They tie the man to the barbed wire fence beside them and then call in the dogs. The hounds come bounding in fiercely and begin to tear the man to shreds, blood and sinew and -_

Charles pushes Erik away fiercely, his blue eyes filled with tears. 

“I asked you not to show me that.” He gasps.

Erik shrugs coolly.

“It was unintentional.” He drawls mockingly but Charles can see the fear in his eyes.

Charles steadies his breathing and goes to sit on his bed, entirely too weary for yet another battle of words. To his surprise, Erik follows him.

“Now do you understand?” He urges.

“Things happened in those camps that would not be allowed happen today, Erik.”

Erik lies down behind him and shakes his head.

“That is where you are wrong, Charles. They fear us. We are different from them and if they get their hands on us, only God knows what they will do.”

Charles stills his shaking hands and looks over his shoulder at Erik who was watching him intently.

“I am keeping this child, Erik, with or without your help.” He says quietly and firmly.

Erik continues watching him for a moment before nodding.

“It’s your decision. It was always your decision and I am here for you both, regardless of whichever decision you make.” He promises softly.

Charles exhales slowly and continues to watch the man behind him, wondering how Erik could have even _entertained_ the idea of not bringing this child into the world.

“You don’t have to.” He finally whispers. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Erik turns his head to face him, the slightest of smiles tugging at his lips.

“Come, Charles. You know me better than this. You _know_ what family means to me.”

Charles snorts a little and shakes his head with disbelief.

“A few moments ago you wished to get rid of it.”

“Only because I thought that maybe that would be best. After your very dramatic argument, it is clear that I was wrong.” Erik says through gritted teeth.

Charles smiles slowly and turns his entire body so that he is now laying down beside Erik, facing with a glorious grin.

“Did you just admit that you were _wrong_?” He demands smugly.

“Shut up.” Erik snaps, frowning at Charles’ childishness.

“You did. You did admit that you were wrong. Very good of you, my friend.” He says with a delighted laugh.

“You are insufferable at times.” Erik growls.

Charles raises his eyebrows.

“Oh, you are one to talk, my-”

“Charles?”

Both Charles and Erik sit up as Raven opens the door. 

Charles can see her struggling to keep her face neutral as she realizes that Erik is there as well. She smiles awkwardly and takes a half-step inside, just so she may close the door behind her.

“I was just wondering if you were feeling better.” She declares, resolutely ignoring the stony glare Erik was directing at her.

“Much.” Charles says with a stiff nod. “Hank is a great doctor.”

_Please leave before Erik suffers an aneurysm or starts throwing metal things around._

Raven clears her throat and nods. 

“Yeah…yeah, he’s a good guy.”

_OhmyGod I am so sorry! I didn’t think he would be here. Are you guys fucking again?_

Charles strains a smile and nods.

“Absolutely wonderful chap. You have a keeper there.”

_No we are not, we are just talking! Now please leave, I can feel the metal springs in my bed beginning to push through the mattress._

Raven fakes the fakest of yawns and sighs.

“Well, I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed, if you need me just call.” She sighs with a bright smile.

She exits the room hastily, leaving Erik and Charles sitting in an extremely awkward silence.

“Who else knows?” Erik asks quietly.

“She doesn’t know about the baby. Hank is the only one who knows.” Charles sighs as he sits back against his pillows.

Once again he is amazed to see that Erik does the same.

“So therefore McCoy must know that I am the father?”

Charles nods.

“Yes.”

“So two people know about…about us?”

Again, Charles nods.

Erik sighs miserably.

“That’s two more than I ever wanted.” He mutters against his pillow.

Charles doesn’t say anything, just keeps his gaze fixed on the roof above them. He doesn’t know why, but he takes it very personally when Erik becomes upset about people knowing about them. Which he knows is ridiculous. He _knows_ that Erik is right and that it’s dangerous to be ‘out’ and proud. But Charles just feels as if it is all a little bit cowardly. He has never wanted to hide who it truly is, not from anyone. 

(He wonders if he should tell Erik that he loves him?)

“Two of the most trustworthy.” Charles says with a wry smile.

“Nobody is completely trustworthy. Everyone has their price.” Erik says with a humourless laugh.

“You’re like a ray of sunshine.” Charles mutters, letting his eyes drift closed, too exhausted for such conversations.

There is a pause and then;

“Can I stay?”

Charles cracks an eye open and offers Erik a lazy smile.

“You know you can.”

 

.

 

They don’t discuss the baby or the rekindling of their relationship.

Which seems much more like a _relationship_ now.

Erik sleeps with him most nights and spends his days by his side, always close. Charles would like to say that his overprotectiveness annoys him but to be honest, he is terribly endeared by it.

At night they explore each other’s bodies with new found lust. Erik is much more connected to the experience than he ever was before. Sometimes he even sends Charles images and thoughts when they kiss and Charles would be lying if he said he wasn’t in love.

(He never believed he could love someone, not like this.)

 

.

 

“You’re starting to show.” Erik comments one morning as they stroll around West Chester grounds.

Charles glances down at his slightly bloated stomach and frowns.

“I am, aren’t I?” he sighs.

Erik tentatively pokes the hard belly covered by a brown pull-over and cream shirt. Charles glances at him and watches with interest as Erik flattens his hand against the muscle with an unsteady hand.

“This is all so strange…” He breathes, his eyes locking with Charles’.

Charles licks his red lips and smirks.

“Positively surreal.”

Erik leans closer, his hand still placed against Charles’ stomach and kisses him long and slow.

“Was machst du mit mir?*” he breathes against Charles’ mouth as he pulls away.

Charles cannot help but grin a blinding smile and run his fingers along Erik’s strong jaw.

“I’m so happy I found you.” He whispers.

He feels Erik stiffen against him and he silently urges him to _calm his mind_. Erik shudders a little and slowly covers Charles’ hand with his own.

“Me too.”

_I would be dead if it weren’t for you._

Charles blinks at him before nodding.

_I know._

 

.

 

It is Sean who suddenly notices.

It’s dinner time and Charles is placing the plates out on the table. His back is aching so he leans back and attempts to crack it. As he does so his clothing becomes strained against his small bump. Sean frowns and continues to look at him for the entirety of the dinner. Charles doesn’t suspect a thing until the child clears his throat uncertainly.

“Just spit it out.” Alex sniffs as he shovels his potatoes into his mouth.

Charles looks at Sean inquisitively with a small smile.

“Is everything alright?” he asks pleasantly as he beckons Erik to pass him the salt.

(Erik doesn’t because supposedly it’s not good for the baby.)

Sean exhales loudly and shrugs his shoulders.

“This is gonna sound crazy…like, like _seriously_ crazy but…are you like…pregnant?”

Both Alex and Raven burst out laughing just Charles, Erik and Hank stiffen and glance at each other uncertainly. Alex and Raven’s laughter subsides as they notice this. Sean is a terrible shade of red and picking at the vegetables on his plate, too uncomfortable to make eye-contact.

“What makes you ask that?” He asks carefully.

Sean shrugs once again.

“Dunno. I mean, you were vomiting and then you started eating peanut butter and coleslaw sandwiches and today I noticed…I kind of noticed your…hump?”

“It’s called a bump, Sean.” Raven snaps impatiently. “And I can’t believe you guys didn’t tell me!” 

She looks between Charles and Erik accusingly.

“Whoa…Wait. Hold on, is Erik the dad?” Alex exclaims, spraying bits of peas everywhere.

All the cutlery swiftly rises from the table and shoots towards the ceiling, impaling themselves.

“I told you to replace the cutlery with something non-metal.” Hank hisses at Raven out of the corner of his mouth.

“Someone answer me!” Alex demands. “Are you two together?”

“How is that any of your business?” Erik suddenly roars, jumping from his seat and towering over them all. “Tell me what right it is of yours to know such things?”

Raven blinks up at him hotly, her eyes full of unshed tears.

“We’re supposed to be a family! We’re supposed to tell each other things like this.” She accuses.

Charles sighs wearily and looks at Raven apologetically.

“I couldn’t tell you. Not for another while.”

“Why?” She snaps. “Because _he_ wanted to hide?”

Erik laughs hollowly and watches her nastily.

“You cannot accuse me of hiding, Raven. Not when you hide who you really are every single day.” He growls.

Sean glances at Charles apologetically and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

Charles places his hand over his and shakes his hand.

“You have no reason to apologize. You only asked a question.” He reassures just as Raven jumps up from the table and flounces out of the room. 

Hank leaps up and follows her swiftly as Alex continues to chew his food, his brow furrowed whilst he watches Erik.

“I never put you down as-”

“As what?” Erik snarls. “A faggot? A cocksucker? What?”

Every metal item in the kitchen is vibrating and Charles can feel a headache coming from the passionate thoughts swirling in each of their minds.

“I was gonna say the Professors type but whatever.” Alex scowls, hopping up and leaving.

Sean looks between them before scarpering after his friend, leaving Charles and Erik alone.

“Well. That went well.” Charles groans, placing his head in his hands.

“What do we do now?” Erik demands after a few moments silence.

“We give them some time to calm down and then we answer their questions.”

(Of which there would be barely any, no doubt, seeing as the only question going through Alex’s mind was if Erik was always ‘on top’.)

 

.

 

“You’re my brother.” Raven sobs later on that night.

It is just the two of them in the dimly lit sitting room, each of them with a hot chocolate in hand. Raven wipes her tears fiercely and glares at him, now in her true, blue form and amber eyes. Charles nods slowly, acknowledging her point.

“I am. And I _wanted_ to tell you-”

“But Erik. Yeah. Whatever.” Raven scoffs, tossing her red hair over her shoulders impatiently. 

Charles sighs and raises his eyebrows.

“Stop behaving like a child.”

“Stop patronizing me.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

Charles rolls his eyes and goes to stand.

“I don’t have time for this, Raven. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but _we_ weren’t ready to tell anyone. We just wanted to wait another while which I really don’t think is all that selfish. But I can see that you don’t seem to understand that so I am sorry for all the wrongs I have ever caused you.” He snaps as smooth’s down his jumper, picking at some imaginary lint.

“You weren’t always this patronizing. Not when it was just me and you. You used to be my friend, Charles-”

“I am still your bloody friend.” Charles snaps. “You’ve been different ever since we came here…It’s like I suddenly realized how young you really are or something.”

Raven laughs humourlessly and shakes her head, smiling up at Charles coldly.

“No. _You’re_ the one who changed. The second you met Erik you turned your back on the rest of us. And whatever, he’s brilliant and all that but he’s also an asshole who treats each and every one of us like shit, you included.”

“Shut up, Raven.”

_He kissed me._

Charles glowers at her.

_Stop this now, Raven._

_When you guys split. He came to my room and he kissed me-_

Raven suddenly screams and starts to clutch her head, bent over double and shaking. Charles quickly comes to his senses and stops doing whatever he was doing and races over towards her, his hands outstretched, not knowing where he should touch her.

“Raven, I-I…”

Raven looks up at him tearfully.

“You hurt me.” She whispers.

“You were trying to hurt me too.” Charles says shakily.

“I feel like I don’t know you anymore.” She chokes, tears now pouring openly down her face.

“I’m so desperately sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened.” He promises.

(He lost control. Charles never loses control.)

“I’m going to bed.” Raven says quietly as she gets to her feet.

“Let me walk you there.” Charles insists as he stands beside her.

Raven pushes his hands away and shakes her head.

“I want to be alone. Goodnight.”

 

.

 

Moira looks between Charles and Erik uncomfortably, not knowing where to begin or how to even broach such a sensitive subject. 

“The children told you.” Charles finally says with a sigh, putting her out of her misery.

Moira nods slowly.

“Yeah…they um…they said that you’re pregnant?”

Erik nods.

“He is.”

Moira bites her bottom lip and looks between them again, desperate this time.

“Can…can I ask how?”

Charles almost smiles.

“I have yet another mutated gene, one that makes me a hermaphrodite. I have both male and female reproductive organs. Superficially I am a male but internally I am female.”

Moira grins faintly.

“That’s…fascinating.” She says with a laugh.

“So what happens next?” Erik demands. “Are you going to turn us in?”

Moira looks appalled and shakes her head determinedly. 

“Never! Do you honestly believe that I would?”

Neither of them answers. Moira raises her eyebrows and leans back in her seat, folding her arms across her chest.

“That is something I would never do. What I would _like_ to do is, given your rather delicate condition, ask you to reconsider your involvement with the plans we have made for Cuba.” She asks beseechingly.

Charles feels his cheeks redden as Erik turns to look at him with eyes that suggest that he had no intention of allowing Charles any involvement once they set foot on that plane.

“The team needs me.”

“Your baby needs you more.” Moira says softly.

“I won’t abandon them. I can’t.” Charles says firmly.

“This isn’t up for discussion.” Erik says firmly before turning to Moira and asking her what the plans were so far to avert Nuclear War.

Moira glances at Charles almost pityingly before turning her attention back to Erik and sharing the latest developments with him.

 

.

 

Training for their looming battle intensifies over the next week or so.

(As does the unmistakable crack that has appeared in their group.)

Whenever Charles tries to get close enough to Raven to simply _apologise_ she storms out of the room in a flash of blue and orange.

Anytime Sean or Alex try to ask Erik a question, he stares at them with such obvious disdain that Charles knows if that look was directed at him he would simply crumble. 

Hank tries desperately to pull all the seams together (as does Moira) but it is all to no avail.

“This isn’t working.” Charles whispers against Erik’s chest one night.

“You’re trying too hard.” Erik replies simply.

(He’s not trying hard enough.)

 

.

 

The morning before they are due to fly to Cuba Raven comes to him and dumps a pile of vials on his table.

Charles looks up at her, startled.

“Pre-natal vitamins.” She says with a sniff. “Hank said you’re nearing the end of your third trimester and that you should be taking these now.”

Charles nods slowly and smiles rather stiffly.

“Thank you.” 

Raven nods once and shifts from one to the other, chewing her bottom lip fiercely. Charles waits patiently, knowing that she was searching for the words.

“You…you upset me. And kind of scared me but I know that you didn’t deliberately try and hurt me and I know that you had your reasons for keeping the pregnancy to yourself so I want you to know that I forgive you.” She declares.

“You do?” Charles laughs.

Raven smiles goofily and nods.

“Yeah, I do. I was just being silly. I mean, you are a dick and Erik is like a major one too but whatever. I’m gonna be an aunt so I guess I gotta just let this stuff slide.”

 

.

 

That night they all eat dinner together.

They talk and laugh and chatter on aimlessly about stupid things.

They enjoy each other’s company and memorise each other’s faces, just in case, just so that they may remember. 

Hank then brings up some tactics and starts discussing everyone’s suits.

Everyone’s except Charles’.

Charles waits and waits, not wanting to jump to conclusions or attack too soon but when it becomes clear that Hank wasn’t going to mention his, he speaks.

“And what about mine? Does it do anything in particular?” Charles asks breezily.

The panicked glance Hank sends Erik is answer enough.

“You…uh…you don’t have a suit, Professor.” Hank stutters.

Charles frowns.

“And why is that? Am I going naked?”

“You’re not going at all.” Erik replies simply.

An unnatural hush befalls the table and Charles clenches his teeth angrily, hating the look of complete defiance on Erik’s face.

“On who’s orders?” he demands.

“Mine.” Erik answers. “I told you that it wasn’t up for discussion.”

Charles shuts his eyes and he can hear the students leaping from their chairs and racing out of the room, leaving himself and Erik alone. Erik slams the door shut with a wave of his hand and waits.

“I’m going, Erik. I’m not sitting back like some invalid.”

“You’re being responsible for the life inside you.” Erik says calmly.

Charles snorts.

“The baby will be _fine_ , Erik. I cannot leave you all without a telepath.”

“Use Cerebro. Surely you can contact us through that? Hank has built some kind of prototype that he is certain will work.” Erik urges.

Charles stands and shakes his head.

“This is my decision-”

“Mein Gott, Charles! This is _our_ decision and our baby that you are knowingly putting at risk!” Erik erupts.

Charles inhales deeply and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I have to do this. I really am sorry, Erik but imagine you were the one pregnant, you would-”

“No, I wouldn’t. Not if it were _your_ child inside of me. If it were yours, Charles, I would do anything to protect it.” Erik says quietly.

 

.

 

They all fly to Cuba, Charles included.

(He does as he is told and stays on the plane.)

Erik finds Shaw and kills him just as he had always told Charles he would.

(Charles will never forget that pain, not until his dying days.)

And then something happens that Charles did not see coming; Erik emerges wearing Shaw’s helmet and suddenly he cannot hear his thoughts anymore, cannot feel his presence.

“Take it off.” Charles urges as Erik comes strolling across the beach, his arms outstretched, a blinding, shark-like grin on his face.

“Today is our day, Charles. Today is the day that we show the human’s exactly what we can do!” Erik declares loudly and with a flick of his wrist he sends the nuclear missiles back towards the humans.

“Erik, no!” Charles roars, hurtling out of the wreckage of the plane. “Stop this madness!”

Erik glances at him almost anxiously.

“Charles, get back inside the plane; you promised you wouldn’t leave the plane.” He warns.

“Stop the missiles.” Charles demands adamantly.

The missiles freeze in mid-air and Erik glares at the smaller man.

“This is our moment, Charles, don’t let your ridiculous morals get in the way. They _fired_ them at us! They would have happily seen us destroyed.” Erik cries.

“Please. For me. Please stop.” Charles pleads quietly.

Erik glances around at the other mutants and is about to reply when Moira comes racing out of the submarine, gun in hand, obviously ready to take Erik down. 

She doesn’t ask questions, the floating missiles under Erik’s control were evidence enough, and quickly begins firing bullets at them.

Erik deflects them , acutely aware of Charles’ presence behind him.

Erik does not expect Charles to try and run inside, screaming at Moira to stop.

He miscalculates where it is Charles is behind him and deflects a bullet that lodges its way into his spine.

Charles falls to the ground as the other mutants begin to scream.

Moira stops firing and drops her gun just as Erik dismisses the missiles under his control.

Charles has barely touched the ground when he can feel Erik teasing the bullet out, one of his hands pressed against Charles’ bump, _their_ bump.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Charles is rolled over so that he is now facing Erik. 

Everything is silent; he hears nothing but the rush of blood to his head.

He glances to his side blearily and sees that Moira is crying. He can see Erik’s mouth shaping furious words at her and then he can feel his own mouth moving, telling him to stop.

Erik looks down at him with wide, wet eyes and Charles can make out the words ‘this is all her fault’.

And Charles doesn’t know where his sudden maliciousness comes from but he decides to tell Erik that it is _his_ fault. 

He wants Erik to feel _pain_.

(Because he knows that is Erik’s biggest fear; to be told that he is to blame for hurting someone he loves).

The look on Erik’s face tells Charles that he has struck gold.


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little short filler until the final chapter is up!
> 
> xo

“Charles?”

“Charles, _wake up_.”

“Charles!”

A sound, muffled, like the distant slamming of a door. Charles peels his eyes open reluctantly and winces as the surrounding sounds slowly infiltrate his mind, the most obvious one being the wailing baby held against Raven’s chest. He looks up at the scowling woman and offers her a faint smile.

“I always was a heavy sleeper.” He says thickly.

Raven makes a disgusted sound at the back of her throat and holds Magda closer, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

“You’ve been drinking again haven’t you?”

Charles holds his arms out for his daughter but Raven ignores him. He snorts with frustration and allows his head to loll to the side of the armchair, resting it there.

“Why ask a question you already know the answer to?” he demands, his voice softened slightly by the fabric pressed against his lips.

Raven shakes her head and moves Magda around so that she was now jostled against her hip. Charles looks at her watery, pale blue eyes and smiles grimly. Magda starts leaning away from Raven and towards Charles but Raven refuses to hand her over.

“You need to stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and start looking after your daughter.” She snaps as she turns on her heel and makes her way towards the door.

“That’s easy for you to say; he didn’t abandon you.” Charles calls after her.

Raven raises an eyebrow as she glances over her shoulder at him.

“He didn’t abandon you either. He gave you a daughter, or have you forgotten that?”

 

.

 

“We need to get him out of that _damned_ room.” Raven sighs as she watches Hank play with Magda on the carpet before her.

Hank furrows his brow and looks up at her.

“How? We’ve tried _everything_.” He says exasperatedly.

Magda struggles to her feet and starts to walk towards Raven, her arms outstretched, clearly wanting to be picked up. Raven bends over and lifts the child, placing her on her knee. She runs one hand through Magda’s dark curls and exhales loudly.

“What are we gonna do with Daddy, huh?” She mutters, pressing feather-light kisses against her scalp.

“Hide all of the alcohol?” Hank offers. “It’s not like he can read our minds to tell him anymore…”

Raven regards Hank over the top of Magda’s head and half smiles.

“He has a stash hidden away somewhere to last him at least another year.” She almost laughs.

Hank chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully, his eyebrows knitting together with concentration. Raven watches him in bemusement for a few moments before she sees an idea take shape inside that great mind of his.

“We…we should find Erik and-”

“Bring Erik back here and I’ll kill you. Both of you.”

Raven and Hank startle a little as they turn to look towards the doorway. Charles stares back at the furiously. He looks awful. His hair is much longer than he ever thought he would wear it, he has a scraggly beard hanging from his chin, his clothes are wrinkled and stained and his eyes are _still_ red, even after all this time. Raven places Magda on the floor and continues to watch Charles.

“Do you think that maybe you’re ready to behave like an adult?” She asks.

“I think maybe you and Hank should keep your noses out of my business.” Charles replies sharply.

“We would if your _business_ didn’t include a neglected one year old.” Raven snaps just as harshly.

Charles gives her a furious look, his red lips paling slightly as he twists them grotesquely.

“I do not _neglect_ her.” He snarls. “It’s hard, Raven, it’s bloody hard to-”

“If I didn’t get her out of the bed in the morning, who would? You?” She challenges. “You’re still sleeping. You sleep whilst Hank and I bathe her and feed her and play with her and then sometimes, on a good day, you come stumbling down the stairs at dinnertime and interact with her for a couple of hours whilst your hungover and then you start to drink again and Hank and I-”

“ _Shut. Up._ ” Charles growls and there is so much venom dripping from that voice that Raven does as she is told.

Hank looks between them anxiously before clearing his throat and offering Charles a small smile.

“What Raven is trying to say is that you need our help and that’s why we worry about you. Because we care about you and we know how…vulnerable you are at the moment. That’s all.”

Charles winces at his words and feels his heart swell as Magda presses her pudgy hands against his cheeks and pull his lips into a grimace. Despite his best efforts he feels tears beginning to sting the back of his eyes and he sighs miserably, looking over at Raven, desperately hating the look of pity on her beautiful face.

“It’s bloody _hard_.” He repeats.

Raven nods.

“We’re only asking you to try.” 

 

.

 

So Charles tries.

(Because he needs to.)

He tries not to drink.

He tries to spend time with Magda, to enjoy spending time with his daughter.

( _His_ daughter.)

He tries to cook and clean and eat and smile and laugh and be normal and make Raven happy and make Hank happy and make Magda happy and Sean and Alex.

(But he’s not happy.)

And then, suddenly, without warning; he fails. He slips and he drinks an entire litre of Bourbon and spends the night crying and wakes up the next morning in a puddle of his own vomit.

(Hank cleans him up and promises not to tell Raven.)

“I think maybe you need to take some time off the serum.” Hank says gently once he is washed and dressed and ready to face another day.

Charles looks at him curiously and raises one eyebrow.

“What do you mean? Stop taking it?”

Hank nods.

“When I…when I used it, I found that I needed to give myself a break from it. It messed with my head a little, disorientated me. I’m just wondering if you should do the same thing?” He explains.

Charles shakes his delicate head vigorously, almost liking the feeling of his brain knocking against his skull.

“No. No. I will not-I _cannot_ face that wheelchair again.” 

Hank nods once again.

“Ok. Maybe it’s something we can discuss at a later date.”

(Never. Never. Never.)

 

.

 

It happens suddenly for Charles, the realization that he has failed all of those around him. It hits him when Alex enters the kitchen one morning with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder and Sean standing by his side, his mouth turned down sadly.

“We’re leaving.” Alex says without much preamble. “Whatever was supposed to happen here; didn’t. I’m not wasting my time in this hole.”

Sean nods unhappily and looks at Charles guiltily.

“We’re not learning anymore. We spend most of days waiting for some kind of attack, for the humans to find us.”

Charles looks between them both anxiously.

“But, my friends, where will you go? This is the safest place of all!” he argues.

“It was.” Alex hums in agreement. “But then you and Erik decided to fuck it all up.”

It hurts Charles not no-one tries to correct him.

(Himself included.)

“I don’t _want_ you to leave.” He states pathetically.

“ _We_ have no choice.” Alex snaps harshly.

“Of course you do!” Charles says impatiently. “We can protect each other, can-”

“You’re not even a mutant anymore.” Sean breathes. “What good are you to us?”

Charles has no answer to that. He just looks at them both helplessly, those wretched tears filling his eyes once again.

“Please, don’t leave.” He hears himself plead.

Sean glances at Alex imploringly but the boy shakes his head determinedly.

“No. We’re going. But I feel like I should tell you; Erik is training and teaching his.”

Charles felt his heart stop and stared at them, his mouth agape.

“How do you know this?” he demands.

Alex shrugs.

“If you still had your powers, if you still wanted to actually find and save our people, you would know.”

 

.

 

“Do you think I failed them?” Charles asks Hank as they watch Magda sleep peacefully in her cot.

Hank glances at him uncertainly, his nose scrunching beneath his glasses.

“I think maybe we’ve all failed each other. There’s a lot more to blame than just you and Erik.”He says carefully.

Charles half-smiles and slings an arm around Hank’s shoulders.

“You’re a good friend, do you know that? You’re a _good_ person.”

Hank smiles awkwardly, a slight flush painting his cheeks a light pink.

“You’re a good person too, Professor. You just lost your way a little.”

 

.

 

Charles has lost his way completely. He has gotten to the stage where he manages to function _with_ alcohol. He drinks when he wakes, drinks with his afternoon meal and drinks in his study when he is alone. 

No one suspects a thing, Raven even tells him that he has gotten better.

(And that makes Charles laugh, because he has never been worse in his life.)

 

.

 

It happens on a day that seemed like all the others.

Charles is pleasantly drunk, Magda clinging into his hip as he watches Raven and Hank eat breakfast. Magda was chewing on a grape and making happy, appreciative sounds as she bites into the fruit. He noses his way through her soft curls and inhales her scent happily.

(He is at peace.) 

He sips his Irish coffee contentedly and doesn’t blink an eyelid when the doorbell rings. Raven and Hank both turn to look at him fearfully, unsure of how to react. Charles raises one eyebrow in an amused manner and smiles.

“Well? The door won’t answer itself, my friends.”

Raven frowns and leans closer to Charles.

“No one ever calls here, Charles. Like, _ever_.”

Charles waves her worry away and puts Magda in her highchair. She grizzles a bit at this but doesn’t put up much of a fuss in the end. Charles stands and looks at the two before him in disbelief.

“It is hardly an axe-murderer and if it is, both of you are Magda’s guardians.” He teases as he makes his way to the door.

Neither of them smiles at his joke and remain silent, waiting and listening expectantly. 

Charles hums to himself as he walks down the dusty corridor. He makes a mental note to clean on a day when he is sober enough to bend over without losing his balance. He glances at himself in a passing mirror and attempts to tidy his wild hair and untamed beard. Another knock hurries him however, and Charles decides that whomever it is could just deal with his rather unkempt look. He pulls over the front door, a welcoming smiling freezing on his lips when he sees both Alex and Sean looking back at him. Sean doesn’t waste any time in stepping forward and embracing Charles tightly.

“We’re sorry. We shouldn’t have left.” He gushes, squeezing the smaller man almost painfully.

Charles pats his back awkwardly and raises an eyebrow at Alex.

“What brings you back so soon?” he questions.

Alex sighs and glances sideways at something that Charles cannot see. The professor frowns and gently pushes Sean aside.

“We’re sorry.” Sean says again, more desperately.

Charles steps outside, past Alex and feels his knees buckle when he sees _him_. He is only vaguely aware of Alex’s arms gripping him tightly and supporting him as his hands scrabble at the wall beside him for purchase.

Erik just watches him calmly, his eyes curious and face neutral. Charles exhales shakily and takes in the man before him, hating how clean and well-groomed he looks. He shrugs Alex away after a few moments and straightens up, holding his head high as he glares up at Erik coldly.

“What do you want?” he demands quietly, hearing Alex and Sean slip inside behind them.

“I wanted to see you.” Erik answers.

Charles snorts and raises his eyebrows.

“Now? Almost two years later?”

Erik nods.

“Now seemed like the perfect timing.”

Charles grits his teeth in anger, his stomach bubbling and clenching with fury as he forces himself to _breathe_.

“Well, it’s not.” He snarls before turning and making his way inside.

He goes to slam the front door but Erik holds it open with a lazy flick of his wrist.

“Charles.” He warns as he steps inside, suddenly much too close.

Charles looks up at him questioningly.

“Yes?”

Erik dips his head and sniffs.

“Have you been drinking?”

“Fuck you.”

 

.

 

The argument that follows had been more than a little unpleasant.

There had been roaring and shouting and screaming and cursing and then Charles punches Erik. And it is a magnificent punch; everyone says so. Erik goes sprawling across the ground and looks up at Charles in shock, his steely eyes narrowing as he pushes himself back to his feet.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Charles.” He warns.

“Too late.” Charles spits, the alcohol making him much braver than he would have been sober.

Erik charges at him, all thoughts of calm long banished from his mind. He slams Charles up against a wall, crushing the smaller man with his weight. Charles struggles against him, wriggling desperately, trying to break free from his grip. They are both vaguely aware of the eyes watching them from the kitchen but neither of them caring enough to stop. Charles bites Erik’s shoulder, the wool of his sweater tearing slightly as Charles drags at it like some kind of dog.

“Charles! Fur Gotter willen!” Erik snaps, standing back slightly so that he may grab Charles by his shoulders and give him a shake.

Charles moves limply like a ragdoll, his blue eyes filled with hot tears of rage.

“Charles, _listen_ to me!” Erik pleads.

And Charles looks up at him wetly, his red lips trembling slightly.

“What? What could you possibly have to say to make this better?” he demands.

Suddenly, Erik is at a loss. He frowns and looks at Charles uncertainly.

“I…”

Charles sniffs loudly and rolls his eyes, pushing at Erik weakly.

“Let go of me.” 

Erik’s grip tightens as he tries to think of something to say.

“Let go of me.” Charles says more forcefully, his eyes narrowing in anger.

“Charles, I…”

“Erik, let him go.”

They both turn to face Raven, who had a weeping Magda cuddled against her chest. Erik’s stance immediately softened as he takes in the child in her arms. He glances at Charles questioningly but Charles is drained and doesn’t have the energy to look into those eyes. Erik takes a step towards Raven, who turns away slightly, keeping Magda from reach.

“You can see her when he says you can.” She says firmly.

“She’s my child as well.” Erik growls in a dangerous voice.

Raven raises an eyebrow.

“You really can’t play that card, Erik. Not yet.”

 

.

 

Charles doesn’t stick around. He goes to his room and he pours himself drink after drink until he has drunk the entirety of his secret stock. His world spins and his chest heaves and Charles finds that he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going. He vision becomes blurred and his hearing muffled and he drifts off into a land where he has no worries.

He is only barely aware of someone lifting him from his seat and placing him in his bed. He is even less aware of them slipping into the bed behind him for a while to ascertain he doesn’t choke on his own vomit. 

“He abandoned me.” He could hear himself breathing over and over again. “He left us.”

And the person behind him held him tight, long fingers coming through his hair soothingly. 

When Charles wakes next, he is alone. The proof he has that anyone had entered the room at all was the pint glass of water by his bed and two Disprins. Raven enters his room not long after that with Magda in tow. She places his daughter on the bed and they both watch as she crawls towards Charles.

“I thought you had stopped drinking.” Raven whispers as Magda pulls at the ends of Charles’ hair.

Charles shakes his head grimly and looks up at Raven with wet, bloodshot eyes.

“I _can’t_.” He croaks.

“I don’t want you to be like your mom.” 

(Neither does Charles.)

 

.

 

"I want to stay." Erik says from his corner of the living room.

Alex and Hank were hovering between them anxiously, ready to stand if another fight were to break out.

Charles doesn't raise his gaze from the floor, his eyes fixed on a stain on the carpet.

"You need help." Erik continues.

"I don't need _you_." Charles shoots back fiercely.

Erik smirks.

"Maybe not but you certainly need a hair-cut, mein Freund."

Charles exhales sharply through his nose and looks up at Erik furiously.

"I don't _want_ you here, Erik."

"You always were a terrible liar, Charles."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so i am one of those terribly disorganized authors who cant decide when the last chapter is really the last chapter so after this one, there is actually one more.
> 
> I think.
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, enjoy kiddos! <3

Charles sits in the middle of his bedroom.

He sits on the cold, bare wooden floor and stares until his eyes begin to water.

He watches his sleeping daughter tearfully and tries to ignore the dryness in his mouth that is _screaming_ at him to have a drink.

It had been Raven’s idea to move Magda into his bedroom. Her excuse had been that Erik would not be able to steal her away in the night but Charles didn’t need his telepathy to know that she was secretly hoping that it would stop him from drinking.

(And all he wants is a drink. Just something to stop him from shaking.)

A knock on the door forces Charles to blink, hot tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. 

“I’m sleeping.” Charles calls out, scrubbing away his tears angrily.

The lock on the door turns itself and Charles cannot help but groan as he realizes that it was Erik who was trying to gain entry. The door opens silently and he steps in. He was in a dressing gown that was open as far as his navel and Charles feels a surge of jealousy at how _good_ he looks.

“I don’t think the floor is a recommended place of rest for a man your age.” Erik says dryly as he folds himself into one of the empty armchairs. 

“Piss off.” Charles breathes, fixing his attention back on Magda’s cot, which was placed at the end of his bed.

Erik ignores him and follows his gaze, his eyes softening as he takes in the form of the sleeping child. 

“Can…can I hold her?” he asks softly.

“She’s sleeping.” Charles replies coldly.

“You should be sleeping too. You look schrecklich.” 

Charles glances at him, his brow furrowed slightly.

“What does that mean?” he asks, knowing enough German to realize that Erik hadn’t complimented him.

Erik frowns back at him, his lips twisted in an amused manner.

“Stop pretending you haven’t dipped into my mind the moment I arrived here, Charles. Although, I do appreciate the fact that you remembered.” He says quietly, his eyes sparkling with something that makes Charles wish that he actually could read Erik’s mind.

Charles feels his breath catch and just shrugs, trying to act casual.

“I haven’t. I can’t.” He whispers, hating the lump in his throat that had suddenly formed.

Erik’s gaze softens and he leans closer, his face one of complete honesty.

“I was a fool, Charles…I…I…verdammt, Charles! Just read my mind. I don’t know _how_ to-”

“I can’t, Erik.” Charles says as calmly as he can manage.

Erik brushes his comment away impatiently.

“Of course you can! I am giving you permission.” He insists.

Charles groans and runs a hand over his face, more tears managing to leak out of the corner of his eyes. He makes a soft sobbing sound before he looks back up at the man seated before him.

“Erik…that bullet. It ripped my spine. It paralyzed me.” Charles says roughly, his fists clenched on his lap as he speaks. “And the _dreams_ , Erik. I couldn’t sleep. So Hank made a serum, one that would help me sleep and regain use of my legs but…but as a side-effect I…”

“You lost your powers.” Erik croaks, his eyes wide as he straightens up in his seat, a look of disbelief on his face.

Charles rubs again at the tears burning his face and looks up at Erik as defiantly as he can muster. He bites down on his bottom lip and watches Erik expectantly. The taller man leans back in his chair, his eyes never leaving Charles’. 

“I wondered why things felt so _empty_ when I arrived here.” He laughs shakily. 

“Things felt empty here because I don’t _want_ you here.” Charles says hotly. 

Erik’s eyes narrow as he watches Charles carefully.

“You’re lying.” 

Charles shakes his head slowly.

“I wish I were, Erik. It’s too _painful_. I haven’t ever dared to dream of your return because I knew it would be just like this. I can’t breathe when you are here, my friend.” Charles manages to say without sobbing.

“I’ve spoken to Alex and Sean, Charles. You weren’t able to breathe when I was gone either.” He mutters quietly. “You’re a mess.”

“And whose fault is that?” Charles snaps angrily.

Erik regards him curiously before shrugging.

“You knew I was leaving long before I did.” He points out calmly.

Charles opens his mouth to argue but abruptly closes it. Because it all seemed so blatantly obvious that Charles wants to shake himself. _Of course_ Erik had no intention of staying. There had been so many times where Charles had found him trying to leave and had begged him or tricked him into staying. Erik had told him at the beginning that he didn’t want to make friends or form relationships because he _couldn’t_ stay. 

(But Charles had hoped. He had hoped that he would be enough.)

“That…that didn’t make it any easier.” Charles chokes out, hating how he was shaking.

Erik hums thoughtfully before making his way to his feet.

“If it is any comfort, Charles, leaving you was much harder than I anticipated. Hence my return.”

 

…

 

Charles lasts all of ten minutes before he scrambles about his room, desperately searching for a drink. Magda stirs in her bed and makes a soft mewling sound but even that isn’t enough to stop him. Charles almost weeps when he finds half a bottle of whisky and rips off the cap with his teeth before downing it thirstily.

It doesn’t take long for that lovely, fuzzy heat to wash over him and when it does, Charles throws himself onto his bed and allows his eyes the chance to finally drift shut, the sound of Magda’s grizzly cries not even registering with him.

 

…

 

When Charles wakes, Magda is gone.

It takes him a few moments to find the energy to make his way to his feet and when he does, he stumbles about uselessly, pulling an old cardigan over his alcohol and sweat stained shirt. He wobbles out of his bedroom and makes his way downstairs to find Magda snoozing peacefully in her playpen, wrapped in her favourite yellow blanket. Raven was sitting beside her, reading a magazine whilst Hank flicks though the newspaper. Charles feel yet another lump threatening to choke him as he took in the sight before him.

(Because they looked like a family. They were what Magda deserved.)

Charles leans against the wall behind him and closes his eyes, forcing himself to steady his breathing. He doesn’t hear Erik walk up from the gym, his white t-shirt sticking to him like a second skin after all his exertion.

“It’s past noon, Charles.” He says in a disapproving voice.

Charles opens his eyes blearily and regards Erik silently, resolutely refusing to glance at his narrow waist or strong forearms. Erik dips closer to him and Charles can smell fresh air and sweat and he feels such a violent throb of _want_ that he cannot help but lean closer. Erik seems slightly surprised by this but recovers quickly as he tucks one strand of greasy hair behind Charles’ ear.

“You drank.” He says softly.

Charles nods reluctantly.

“You need a shower.” Erik continues, his eyes searching Charles’ almost hungrily, as if he _needed_ to see something there.

And they are standing so close that Charles can count the smattering of freckles across the bridge of Erik’s nose. Erik trails one finger down the length of Charles’ jaw, his nose wrinkling slightly as he touches his beard, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

“That needs to go, mein Freund.” He chuckles.

Charles hears Raven beginning to stir behind them and the spell is broken. He pushes Erik’s hand away and shoves past him, making his way into the kitchen. Erik stays in the hall, looking after him for what seems like the longest time before he too, is disturbed by Raven appearing at the doorway, her eyebrows raised.

“I think maybe you could do with a bigger t-shirt.” She states as she takes in Erik’s spectacular form.

“You never complained before.” Erik responds smartly.

Raven shrugs.

“That was before you knocked up my brother, abandoned him and your unborn child, turned him into an alcoholic and then reappeared on his doorstep expecting him to drop to his knees and blow you upon arrival.” She says casually.

Erik glares at her and tugs at the hem of his t-shirt, removing it in one swift movement. Raven can’t help but bite at her bottom lip as she takes in the beautiful body before her. Erik rubs his t-shirt across his sweat-soaked body and watches Raven expectantly.

“Forgot to mention the part where you paralyzed Charles.” She snaps before turning around and racing back into the sitting room.

Erik clenches his jaw and turns to climb up the stairs when he bumps into Sean, who was looking at him in open appreciation.

“Wow. You must _seriously_ work out.” He breathes.

He raises one hand to Erik’s abs but the older man bats it away viciously.

“Get out of my way.” He snaps.

“I wish you would make me.” Sean melts, pushing himself against the bannister so that Erik may climb past him.

Erik charges up the stairs at speed but just manages to catch Sean saying;

“Holy cow, Professor, at the time I didn’t get it but now I would totally let Erik knock me up.”

 

…

 

Raven watches Charles inject himself with his serum and hates the way his eyes roll back into his head as his entire body relaxes into the sofa.

“I used to hate it when you took that stuff.” She whispers to Hank.

Hank nods and looks away as Charles begins to smile crookedly, his gaze unfocussed as he looks off into the distance.

“I’ve asked him to reconsider his dosages, maybe stop taking it all together but he’s completely reliant on it.” 

“Doesn’t he want to ever use his powers again?” Raven asks exasperatedly.

“His powers were almost like a burden to him.” Erik says from behind them, his face half-covered by the shadows.

He was eyeing Charles uncertainly, as if he didn’t really recognize the person opposite him.

“He _loved_ his powers.” Raven snaps at him.

Erik shook his head.

“Not on a day to day basis. He wished he could turn them off sometimes.”

“Because you made him feel like an intruder.” Hank says suddenly and quietly.

Erik frowns and turns his attention to him sharply.

“Excuse me?” he hisses dangerously.

“You made him feel like he was a bother. He had to try twice as hard to hide who he truly was around you. You made him feel on edge because he was always scared that you would push him away.”

Raven raises her eyebrows as Erik looks on, ashen-faced. Erik blinks a few times, trying to wrap his mind around that piece of information. 

“After all your talk.” Raven mutters in disbelief.

Erik squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.

“I didn’t. I didn’t do that to him. He understood. He _knew_ that I accepted him for who he was.” He insists desperately.

“No he didn’t.” Hank snaps. “He tried to be everything he thought you wanted him to be. And he fought against his own natural form so that he could try and not be telepathic around you.”

Erik looks over at Charles’ limp form before fleeing the room in a panic, his mind spinning as he tried to understand exactly what Hank had told him.

 

…

 

It happens a few nights later.

Charles was drunk, lying in his room alone.

(Magda had been moved back to Hank and Raven’s room).

Charles had been at the drifting stage; the part where he is about to give in to the alcohol and drift into a state of unconsciousness when the bedroom door unlocks itself. He struggles to sit up and curses loudly when Erik steps in.

The curses fade on his tongue however when he sees that Erik is drunk too, swaying on his feet, his eyes red-rimmed and watery just like Charles’.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, managing to sit up straight.

Erik doesn’t say a word. He stumbles across the room, slamming the door and locking it with a flick of his wrist. Charles frowns at him as he pushes himself against Charles, the smell of vodka over-powering, even for another drunk.

“Erik. Don’t.” Charles mutters as Erik presses their lips together.

It’s sloppy. It’s nothing like what their kisses used to be. Because these kisses were desperate and bitter and Charles shivers as their tongues begin to slide together messily. 

(But it’s _good_. It’s so good that Charles is moaning already, his hands buried in Erik’s hair.)

Erik lies back on the sofa and pulls Charles atop of him. And this is what Charles had needed, his drunken mind tells him desperately. This is all Charles needs. 

The kisses deepen and soon both men are hard and grinding against each other hungrily.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Charles slurs, trying to pull away but Erik is pulling him back by the metal on his belt and Charles doesn’t want to leave anyway, not really.

So he lets Erik undo his belt and free his hard member. He strokes it roughly and Charles feels his jaw drop open as he begins to moan loudly, realizing with a sudden jolt just how long it has really been. 

“Mein Gott, Charles…” Erik whimpers as he takes in the sight before.

Charles shakes his head and winces placing a finger against Erik’s lips.

“Don’t speak.” He pleads.

(Because Erik like this was bringing back too many painful memories. Memories that consumed Charles and kept him awake at night.)

Charles turns his attention to Erik’s dressing gown and he bites back his moan as he takes in that familiar body beneath him. He pushes the garment away and begins to shuck off his own trousers desperately. Erik’s hands roam bare ass greedily and he tries to slip a finger inside but Charles pushes his hands away. He moves along Erik’s body slightly before raising himself and guiding Erik’s cock inside him.

(And it _hurts_ but the pain is the only thing that seems to awaken him from his drunken haze and once he has lowered himself completely he realizes the terrible mistake he has made.)

Because there are tears in Erik’s eyes and they are staring at each other desperately, both of them knowing that this is wrong. 

So Charles shuts his eyes and begins to move himself up and down along Erik’s length, his breathing uneven as he forces back tears and tries to enjoy the sensation of Erik inside him.

(Because he wants Erik _just not like this_.)

Neither of them last long and when they finish they look at each other searchingly and Charles lowers himself to place a gentle kiss on Erik’s lips and Erik responds in a way that is so achingly soft that Charles feels as if someone is squeezing his heart until it bursts.

“Dummkopf.” Charles whispers fondly and Erik’s lips twitch in response, obviously fighting back a smile.

“Of course you would remember how to tell me I’m an idiot.” Erik mutters breathlessly.

“I wish I could trust you.” Charles breathes and the moment is over.

They push away from one another and dress jerkily, neither of them looking at the other. Erik closes his dressing gown and makes his way to the door, stopping only to grab one of Charles’ bottles of bourbon.

“Drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism.” Charles says seriously.

“I don’t think I’m quite ready to drink with you yet, liebling.”


	5. Chapter Five

“You slept with him, didn’t you?”

Charles sighs to himself as he stirs his coffee (remarkably non-alcoholic) and keeps his back to Raven. He listens to the sound of her heeled shoes clatter across the tiles of the kitchen and tries not to wince, not wanting to face her wrath when she realizes he was awfully hungover.

(Although, that being said, Charles was pretty sure Raven expected nothing less these days.)

She comes to an abrupt halt beside him and watches him expectantly. He resolutely does not raise his gaze to meet hers and continues to look down at the creamy liquid in his favourite mug.

“Answer me.” She orders.

“You already know.” Charles sniffs.

He finally looks up and hates the disappointment he sees in her eyes. Raven watches him for the longest time and Charles _wishes_ he had his telepathy just so he could try and understand what she’s thinking.

“Why?” She asks, her arms folded across her chest, a fierce look in her eyes.

Charles shrugs. He doesn't know why he slept with Erik. Raven just shakes her head and turns around to walk away.

“He abandoned you, Charles. Don’t give in to him so easily.”

 

…

 

Charles and Erik avoid each all day long, neither of them wishing to so much as _look_ at the other. Charles wants nothing more than to slip into bed and sleep off his hangover but Sean insists that they all sit down for dinner together that evening.

“Just like we used to.” He says with a smile and Charles simply can’t refuse, not after everything that has happened.

(Not after they failed them.)

At eight, just like when they were still a whole unit, they all came to the table, which was laden down with greasy takeaway foods. Charles feels his stomach growl appreciatively when he notices that somebody had remembered to order a half ham, half pepperoni no-cheese pizza. He glances around the room, looking for a hint as to who it could have been when he sees Erik wink at him. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth and he takes his seat at the top of the table and finds that he is not displeased when Erik returns to his chair to Charles’ left. 

“This is…nice!” Raven decides with a beaming smile, a light flush of pleasure colouring her cheeks as she looks around the table at everyone. 

Hank nods as he buckles Magda into her highchair to the right of Charles. Charles runs a hand through her dark curls fondly and pulls a funny face, causing Magda to giggle preciously.

“Would you like some pizza, schatz?” Erik asks, not looking up as he cuts into a plain pie.

Charles blinks in surprise and feels his cheeks colour as he glances at Erik uncertainly. 

“Um. Please.” He finally manages to choke out.

(Because Erik calling him that pet name was too much. He didn’t know what Erik thought happened last night but it was in no way the rekindling of their doomed romance.)

Erik looks up sharply, a small blush creeping along his cheeks as he holds up the tiniest corner of pizza.

“I was actually speaking to Magda.” He says quietly.

Both of them turn a deeper shade of pink and look away as the rest of the table try not to snort into their dinners.

“Magda isn’t allowed dairy solids yet. It upsets her stomach.” Raven warns through a mouthful of a pepperoni slice.

Erik nods and gives Magda an apologetic look.

“I think you got your father’s fussy stomach.” He sighs as he begins cutting himself his own slice.

Magda gurgles happily and practically squeals when Erik reaches across Charles to hand her some fries.

“Is this ok?” he mutters to Charles as Magda pulls at the cooled down chips in his hand.

Charles nods slowly.

“Perfect.”

 

…

 

Dinner ends and after they clean, everyone heads towards their respective bedrooms. Magda was already tucked up inside her cot in Raven and Hanks room sleeping peacefully, positively exhausted after her meal. Charles decided to hang back when the others were heading to bed, wanting some time to himself to think but it didn’t work out _exactly_ as he had hoped. Just as he is about to take a seat at the table with a fresh cup of coffee, Erik steps into the room, his brows furrowed deeply as he enters. 

“I thought you’d gone to bed.” He sighs as he takes a seat beside Charles.

“Needed some caffeine; I have the hangover from Hell.” Charles mutters around his mug.

Erik doesn’t smile. He watches Charles with careful eyes, one hand rubbing at the surface of the table absent-mindedly.

“Maybe you should lay off the alcohol for a while.” He says as casually as he can manage.

“Maybe you should mind your own business.” Charles counters with a sweet smile to soften his words.

“Your well-being is my business.” Erik corrects him quietly. “You are the father of my child and I care about you _deeply_.”

Charles lowers his mug and watches Erik curiously.

“Then _why_ leave me?” he asks softly.

Erik shakes his head and shrugs.

“I was scared, Charles. Mein Gott, I was terrified of what was about to become of mutants and _us_ and our unborn child. I didn’t want to be there when you were rushed to hospital after that bullet and I was told that _I_ were to blame for the miscarriage of our baby.” He says quietly. “And you blamed me. You looked me in the eye and told me that I was in the wrong when I was trying to protect you; when we both know that it was that stupid _bitch_ Moira who was to blame. But that is not an excuse. So I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you, for being a coward and for abandoning you.”

Charles feels as if he has suddenly stepped into a freezing cold shower. He shivers uncontrollably and looks at Erik wide-eyed. He feels as if he has suddenly woken from a daze. He feels his heart flutter in his chest as he takes in Erik’s apology and he doesn’t need his telepathy to know that Erik was telling the truth; he was desperately sorry.

“Thank you.” He breathes, his blue eyes searching Erik’s furtively. 

Erik looks back at him and reaches one hand across the table, waiting patiently for Charles to place hold it. It takes him a few moments but he slowly slides his hand along the cool surface and smiles and he watches their fingers entwine.

“I am a coward.” Erik continues, his eyes fixed on their hands as well. “I never told you I loved you. I was terrified you would wander into my mind and see it before I could find the courage to put how I felt into words. That’s why I pushed you away all the time. I was pathetically scared. But I do love you, Charles and I want us to be a family. I want to come home.”

Charles inhales deeply before looking up at Erik with eyes that are perhaps a tad too watery for his liking.

“Thank you, Erik but…not now. I’m not ready to hear this.” 

Because Charles feels as if he has stumbled out of a coma and is on the tip, the edge of some bottomless black hole and he needs some time to just _breathe_ , to gather his thoughts and see where he is. To his relief, Erik seems to understand this. He nods at Charles and simply sits with him in silence, holding hands and drinking coffee until the bright light of dawn begins to filter through the windows.

 

…

 

Erik decides Charles needs time to adjust. So he leaves.

Charles rises one morning (sober for the sixth morning in a row) and finds Raven sitting at the end of his bed with a furious expression on her face.

“He’s _fucking_ gone, Charles!” She snaps furiously.

Charles regards her calmly before nodding, trying to ignore the way his stomach dropped in disappointment and twisted with bitterness.

“That was his decision, Raven. We have to respect that.” He says quietly, slipping out of his bed and pulling on his favourite maroon dressing gown.

Raven stares at him in disbelief, her face twisted into a rather ugly expression. Charles reaches out and tries to smooth the wrinkles on her forehead with his thumb softly.

“We talked.” He breathes. “He apologised and I forgave him. That’s all I ever wanted, Raven.”

Raven shakes her head.

“You wanted _more_ , Charles. You have always wanted more! You _love_ him.” She argues.

Her words hit him like bullets and Charles feels himself wince. 

“Raven…please. We need to let him go.” He sighs, hating the way his eyes burned.

Raven makes a huffing sound but says no more, obviously feeling Charles’ pain. Charles can see the tears in her own eyes and he realises that she loves him too. He sits down beside her and wraps his arms around her slight shoulders and hugs her tightly.

“We were supposed to be a family.” She mutters against Charles’ shoulder. “I thought…I thought you guys were gonna pull through.”

“We still are a family.” Charles says soothingly. “We have each other.”

 

…

 

It is Alex that comes to find Charles later, a small envelope in his hand.

“I didn’t know he was leaving.” He says softly. “But he asked me to give you this.”

He hands Charles the piece of paper and backs out of the study quickly, obviously wanting to give Charles his privacy. Charles looks at the cream envelope for a few moments before slicing it open with the butter-knife he had used on his scone. He brushes away the crumbs before pulling the letter out, almost smiling as he scans his eyes over that familiar scrawl. 

_Charles,_

_As I write this I am living in the fear that you think that I have abandoned you once more. I have not. I am simply giving you the space you so painfully need. Please understand that it is difficult for me to walk away, especially now that I have laid eyes on our beautiful daughter, but I know that is something that you need so allow me to do this for you._   
_I don’t know where I am going so that is why I am not leaving an address. I am not being elusive or distant; I am simply wandering until you beckon me for my return. How will you find me? Your mind. You need your powers, Charles. How can you ever hope to open a school for mutants if you are no longer one yourself? Embrace who you are, liebling and come find me when you are ready._   
_I wait in anticipation for the moment when I shall feel your warmth slip into my mind once again._   
_Erik_

Charles finishes reading and waits a moment before he rips the paper to shreds.

 

…

 

It is almost a week later when it happens. 

Charles is sitting at the dinner table with the others, Magda perched on his lap, helping herself to the peas on his plate. Alex is in the middle of telling a story of something amusing Sean had done earlier whilst training when the knife beside Charles’ plate begins to vibrate. At first no one seems to take any notice of it but then Magda starts to babble in frustration, one of her tiny hands outstretched over the knife. Everyone falls silent as they watch in anticipation. Charles feels his own mouth go dry and he leans over to take a closer look, marvelling at her strength as the handle of the knife lifts off the table for a few seconds.

“Good girl. Focus.” Charles whispers into her ear, forgetting for a moment that Magda was barely a year and a half old, too wrapped up in the excitement of seeing his daughter’s mutation present itself.

Magda tries for a while longer before giving up, sighing unhappily and shoving more buttery peas into her mouth. Charles laughs quietly and looks up at the others with a shining face, smiling so hard that his cheeks ache.

“That was marvellous, was it not?” he exclaims, hugging Magda tightly.

“Just like her Papa!” Sean declares with a wide smile.

(Charles doesn’t miss the way Alex elbows him.)

Charles nods slowly, his smile only faltering slightly.

“Just like her Papa.” He repeats.

 

…

 

Charles goes to bed that night and opens his wardrobe. He takes out his wheelchair and unfolds it, ignoring the way his hands shake and his stomach turns. He places it beside the bed. He then opens his bedside locker, grabs the bottles of Hanks serum and carries them to the bathroom. He pours them down the sink, a lump forming in his throat as he does so.

(Because, _Jesus_ , this could be the biggest mistake of his life.)

The glass bottles make a clattering sound as he dumps them into the bin beside the sink. He then runs the tap and watches the liquid swirl down the drain slowly, oozing like tar or molten lava. He then grabs a razor and some shaving cream. He takes a deep breath before beginning to shave away his beard. He leaves the bathroom when he is done and dresses himself for bed. He climbs under the covers and stretches out and kicks his legs one last time. He wriggles his toes and ignores the tears as he accepts the fact that this is the last time he may do that. He closes his eyes and submits himself to a night of floating missiles and bullets.

(And _fuck_ he hopes Erik is worth it.)

 

…

 

When Charles wakes he feels stiff. He hadn’t slept well at all and he felt a dull pain in his lower back. 

For a moment he tries to swing his legs out of the bed and then he remembers. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself before sitting up and closing his eyes, only focusing on those around him. He can tell that Hank is in the shower, Magda is in her playroom, Alex and Sean are having breakfast and Raven is outside his door.

_Come in._

The door swings open so suddenly that he jumps a little. Raven stands there before him, her mouth open wide as she takes him in uncertainly.

_Sweet fucking Jesus on a bike what the fuck has he done is he okay oh shit I hope he is okay is he-_

“I’m fine, Raven.” Charles says with a smile, a warm feeling washing over him as the thoughts of others begin to swirl around him.

Everyone in the house seems to have noticed the change, each of their minds resembling the panicked thoughts Raven had been projecting.

“Why?” She finally asks as she crosses the room to help Charles into his wheelchair. 

Charles merely grunts as he pulls himself into the chair, his dark hair falling across his face making him look impossibly sweet. Raven smiles when she sees the beard is gone and runs her finger along his now smooth jaw.

“Oh I get it…” She breathes, bending down and placing a kiss on Charles’ forehead. “Maybe he’s not such a huge giant dick after all.”

Charles half smiles, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously. 

“He is. He’s the biggest dick going but I love him.”

 

…

 

Erik is in Germany when he feels it.

It feels as if he has been baptized in the sweetest of waters. He feels as if someone is pouring warm honey all over his body, making his toes curl and the base of his spine tingle. He puts down his drink and shivers slightly as he feels their minds connect.

_I love you Charles mein gott ich liebe dich I love you let me come home I love you please I love you_

He smiles as he hears Charles chuckle inside his head and he knows that the barman opposite him must think him mad.

_Come home._

Erik doesn’t need to be told twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY.
> 
> This is the LAST CHAPTER............except for the Epilogue that shall be uploaded next week.
> 
> So lemme know what yall think and thank you for reading!
> 
> Much love xo


	6. Epilogue

When Erik finally returns, Charles is waiting for him in his wheelchair. He is sitting by the fountain in the middle of the grounds, an apprehensive look on his face as he awaits the taller man’s reaction. Erik’s stride does falter slightly as he takes Charles in but he continues on with purpose, his mouth set in a thin line as he drags his eyes across the wheelchair and the man seated inside it. 

_You look tiny_

Charles half-smiles and looks up at Erik sadly.

“I feel like it too. As if I can be simply rolled away into a corner and forgotten about.” He sighs.

Erik frowns deeply, a grievous look on his face as he gets on his knees. He grasps both of Charles’ hands in his and blinks back the hot tears that fill his eyes.

“If I could go back, Charles…if I could just _erase_ all of my stupid mistakes-”

“Then maybe we wouldn’t be here now.” Charles interrupts with a smile, a proper one. “We might have gone our separate ways long ago without so much as looking back, my friend.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Erik breathes as he presses his lips to the back of Charles’ hands. 

Charles squeezes the hands holding his and leans forward to nose his way through Erik’s hair and it is all so _familiar_ that he feels his heart tighten until he fears it may crack.

“You do. Of course, you do.” He whispers, blinking back tears.

It was almost too perfect. The pale sunlight was pleasantly warm, birds tweeted cheerfully and Erik was _home_ again.

“I love you.” Erik mutters.

“I love you too.”

 

_Twelve years later_

 

“Do I look like I care what Lacey-Mae and her gormless friends are doing? You’re not going to that sleepover und das ist es!”

“Papa, _everyone_ is going to the party! I can’t be the only freak not there!”

Erik puts down the plates he was drying and turns around to give his daughter a frankly terrifying smile.

“As I said earlier, do I look like I care?”

Magda lets out a shrill shriek and spins around to turn on Charles who was trying to coax Alec into eating his breakfast. Magda stands before him, her hands placed on her narrow hips and her eyes, so like Erik’s, narrowed in an infuriated manner.

“ _You_ said I could go!” She says accusingly.

“I told you if Papa said yes you could go.” Charles corrects her mildly, frowning as Alec pushes away the yogurt petulantly. 

“What’s wrong, kleine?” Erik asks as he too crouches before Alec with a perplexed look on his face. “Why won’t you eat for your father?”

The toddler blinks at them both innocently before shaking his blonde head and pushing the yogurt away once again.

“Am I invisible?” Magda demands.

“You’re certainly not mute.” Erik mutters as he straightens up and fixes his eldest child with an exasperated look. “I don’t know what you want me to say, schatz.”

“Uh, how about yes?” She snorts, rolling her eyes dramatically. 

“I hate teenage girls.” Raven announces as she enters the kitchen, her swollen belly straining against the fastenings of her pink blouse. “I hope I have a boy.”

“If it’s a girl, I’m going to tell her you said that.” Magda says spitefully.

“I miss the days when you were a pleasant child.” Raven sighs as she pours herself a glass of milk.

“Don’t we all.” Erik agrees quietly as he begins to clear up the breakfast things.

Charles half-smiles at his husband and looks at his daughter warmly.

“Don’t mind them but please, do stop pouting. I simply can’t deal with another toddler today.” He pleads as Alec begins to grizzle beside him.

Magda flips her long, dark curls over her shoulders and sighs dramatically before flouncing out of in the room in a flurry of denim and white. Erik shakes his head as he washes up the pans, muttering in German under his breath as Raven tucks into a chocolate muffin opposite Charles.

“Here, Alec. Try this.” Raven says as she extends a bit of the muffin towards the child.

Alec takes the cake in his hand and sniffs it curiously before placing it in his mouth. He chews for a few moments before wrinkling his little pink nose and spitting it out unhappily.

“It’s a lactose intolerance.” Hank decides as he enters the room.

He leans over and places a kiss on Raven’s forehead before making his way to the refrigerator and grabbing a carton of juice.

“Will I run some tests?” He offers as he pours himself a glass of orange.

Charles glances at Erik who nods at Hank.

“Thank you.” They both say.

 

…

 

A lot had changed over the course of twelve years. The first group of children to enter the mansion were no longer children; Hank and Raven had married and were expecting their first child, Alex had moved to Europe and was training mutants there and Sean was now engaged to none other than Moira. Charles and Erik had married in a very simple ceremony exactly three years after the birth of Magda. It was a quiet affair and one that was shared with only their closest friends and family. It had been the happiest day of their lives and the honeymoon they had gone on to spend in Germany was even more fantastic. They had wanted more children, of course they had, and had wanted to have them whilst Magda was still young but things hadn’t been easy, especially with Charles condition. It took Hank many years to perfect a serum that would give Charles _almost_ full use of his legs and not affect his powers. And even then, it had taken a long time for Charles to finally conceive Alec. Baby Alec was their little miracle or _engel_ , as Erik would say. They loved their little family to pieces and loved how the new students that had entered their school had integrated into such an important part of their lives. They were blessed.

 

…

 

“Magda, do not cross me on this! I said _no_!” Erik roars furiously.

Magda ignores her Papa and continues packing her overnight bag, a determined look on her face.

“I’m not missing out on this sleepover because you have some prejudice against humans! I am nearly sixteen, Papa, I can go if I like!” She says as calmly as she can manage.

“Magda, ich schwore zu Gott, wenn Sie-”

“What, Papa? What are you going to do?” She challenges, turning around and glaring up at him determinedly.

And Erik stalls for a minute because she looks _just_ like Charles when she looks up at him like that. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down enough to speak to her without shouting.

“I’ll ground you until you’re eighteen.”

Magda scoffs at this and turns back to her bag.

“Whatever, Papa. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Magda! Mein Gott, ich-”

“Magda, stop packing your bag, you’re not going to the sleepover.” Charles interrupts as he leans against the door frame of her bedroom.

Magda throws down her hairbrush and rounds on Charles, her brows furrowed angrily.

“Why the hell not? Why don’t you want me mixing with humans?”

“Please, lower your voice, darling. Your brother is sleeping.” Charles reminds her quietly. “And it’s not that we don’t want you mixing with humans, it’s that we don’t want you staying over when you don’t have full control of your powers. Now, if you want to go to Lacey-Mae’s for a few hours, you can but you will not be staying overnight.”

The finality in Charles’ voice tells Magda that there is no room for argument and she wisely steps down, a disappointed look on her face that makes her look just like Erik.

“Fine.” She sighs miserably, knowing that Charles’ argument had made sense. “Can I please have a ride over there? Bitte.”

 

…

 

Charles gasps quietly as Erik moves inside him slowly, his thrusts gentle and so very _frustrating_. The man snorts above as he takes in the demanding look on Charles’ face as he tries to push into the thrusts more, his tiny teeth digging into his bottom lips as he gazes up at Erik pleadingly.

“Bitte.” He groans and Erik makes a filthy sound, closing his eyes and mentally urging Charles to keep talking.

“Bitte , meine Leibe, schneller.” Charles pants as Erik does exactly as he is told and quickens the pace.

The headboard behind them slams against the wall rhythmically as Erik begins to move in earnest, kissing Charles hungrily as the man breathes German in to his mouth. Their climax comes much quicker than either of them anticipated but they ride their high nonetheless, Charles moaning perhaps just that bit too loudly and he knew Raven was going to give him ‘The Talk’ again in the morning. Erik gives one final thrust and a deep grunt before finishing deep inside his lover. He pulls out slowly and rolls over so that he is lying beside Charles. He places feather-light kisses along his bare arm and chuckles as Charles begin to giggle and squirm.

“Ich leibe dich, mein leibling.” He mutters against the bare skin.

Charles pushes his fringe out of his face and offers Erik a dazzling smile.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alors, c'est fini!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it and thank you all for reading! 
> 
> I know the ending might be a little too sweet BUT i just couldn't give these two anymore angst.


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